ones and zeroes

Better living through modern chemistry.

3.03.2006

Overqualified and underwhelmed.

Let's start here, and now, where I am standing (as I do the whole day long, only sitting to eat and shit) and staring out over Broadway and down the length of 40th street to the distant river. It could be summer out, judging by the looks of things; blue sky, radiant sun, the air itself even looks warmer than I know it to be. This city is a junk heap in some ways, I keep seeing things fluttering around in the sky anytime I look out the window. Tin foil, plastic bags, who knows what else? Maybe the faint glimmers I see out of the 20th floor window are just pieces of ourselves we're letting float away.

I don't want to be here. And yet, if I was where I wanted to be, I wouldn't even likely be doing the things I most want to be doing. In order to develop a sense of satisfaction with myself and my place in this world, I must being to accomplish. I can realize that, and talk about it all I want, yet I am waging the same old battle. I need to Will myself to Action. I expect that to come easier than it does. Yet I also know if I was to enforce my Will upon myself enough, it would become the simple act of Being. I wonder, sometimes, often, all the time, if the people around me are so concerned with their own identity as I am. Who Am I, What Am I Saying, How Am I Perceived, Am I Communicating Myself Properly, What Are The Rules Of This Game, Who Is Keeping Score, Why Am I Asking So Many Questions?

One week left at Google. I haven't looked for a job for more than a second. Lies. I haven't looked at all.

3 Comments:

  • At 5:08 PM, Anonymous Gibbler said…

    At least you have fishsticks.

     
  • At 10:11 AM, Anonymous meeesha said…

    don't ever listen to a gibbler!

     
  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger Laurence O'Neal Suarez said…

    I struggle with the same questions, in fact we all do and should. It's healthy to constantly check yourself, to break the subtle sheet of self delusion that ceaselessly blooms about us. These things are only natural, so don't get too down on yourself for the questions, when its the answers (or their absence)that really pains us. Do however try to do, and recognize the tiny triumphs that is a life filled with courage. Your post is proof that you can write well, and still do. Hell plenty of poets of renown are acclaimed for pouring their tortured selves onto paper when it's all they can do to stay alive and a semblance of sane. Maintain, and do not let yourself lose sight of your unique value. Please.

     

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